Before I was pregnant, I thought I would be someone who would document my entire pregnancy. Weekly blog posts with updates and pictures, planning the nursery from the moment we found out, lots of DIY baby projects, etc...
Well, here we are at week 17 and I'm just sitting down to write about how we found out we were expecting. (And struggling to get a good bump picture on my phone each week - ha!)
But I'm giving myself some grace because I'm tired. :) Nonetheless, I would like to remember that sweet Saturday when we discovered some news that brought me to immediate tears, the happiest kind.
On April 26th, I woke up and knew that I could test that day, but wasn't sure my heart could handle it. After months of charting temperatures, pleading with the Lord for a child, and watching others seemingly get pregnant easily, I was feeling weary. It was a season of lots of tears, tons of praying, and fighting to trust that the Lord was withholding no good thing from us. It really felt like crushing disappointment each time I would take another negative test, and I wasn't sure I was prepared for that again. This month was probably the hardest yet, because I was so convinced I wasn't pregnant. I had terrible cramps, but no pregnancy symptoms that I was so keen to look for. I laid in bed and contemplated "wasting" another test, and just asked God to guide me. He did. I felt peace about getting up and taking one, so I left Zach sleeping in bed and headed to the bathroom.
Instead of staring at the test for three minutes, I set it down and barely glanced at it. I started to walk away, but TWO LINES caught my eye. TWO?! I had never seen two lines before. I read the back of the box to make sure I was interpreting the test correctly, and by this point I was already crying. And shaking I think.
I had planned on telling Zach in a really cute, clever, fun way. (Once again, holding loosely to expectations!) I just woke him up, ugly crying and only barely making sense. When you wake up your husband from a dead sleep, sort of hysterical, crying and shaking and saying "Can you look at this? Is this right?!", confusion ensues. Zach thought I hurt myself somehow, and I think he was ready to rush me to the emergency room. I thrust the test at him (yeah I know, I just peed on that), and had him confirm what I was seeing: we were pregnant. As in, having a baby. A BABY.
It took a while to settle in, and Zach made me take another test the next day just to be sure. :) It's still settling in in so many ways - there's a tiny baby growing inside of me!? We're going to be parents?! This all seems so unreal and sweet.
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| I will admit, I always thought it was weird when people took pictures with the pregnancy test. I mean, you just peed on that thing. BUT, here we are ... and LOOK AT OUR POSITIVE TEST!
To say we're thankful would be an understatement, we are just so overwhelmed with gratitude and joy for this gift. That the Lord would entrust us to care for this little one, during pregnancy and as many days as He gives our child, I feel humbled and so very glad. Also, I hope this post is an encouragement. I felt alone in some ways when we were either waiting to try for a baby (but our hearts so desired a different timeline), and also in the difficult season of waiting. It seemed that everyone else got pregnant effortlessly, and there was a new announcement on Facebook or Instagram everyday reminding me of what I didn't have. It was so hard, and I think I just got a little glimpse into the pain some endure. It didn't take years for us, just months. So for those who are still waiting, I won't say I get it completely, but I am sorry for the hurt that you may be enduring. Know that God promises never to leave or forsake His children, and that promise is so sweet. He is with us in the midst of trials, and won't let you go. That promise is sweet to me now as well, when new fears about the health of our baby, or the weight of being a mother can make me so consumed with fear.
Fear not, not I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Isaiah 43:2-3
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